The Lorax

So, everyone loves Dr Seuss.  And much like how everyone has their favorite Ninja Turtle, everyone has their favorite Dr. Seuss book.  Mine was the Lorax- and this most likely shocks no one, as green as I am and whatnot.  I had a giant "Six by Seuss" book, and the Lorax was in it, then I had another strait-up Lorax book.  I loved them.  I read them far past the age where one would normally read Dr. Seuss.  I had the cartoon, the one that was made, I think, in the 70s, and I watched it until those little grey lines started popping up and destroying it.  I didn't much care for the Lorax's voice in the cartoon- it was to whiny.  I never saw him as someone who was just bitching at you, but as a strait-up threatening kind of warning.  But nonetheless, I loved that cartoon, and I loved that book.

So, I recently watched the new movie, and fell in love all over again.  There's not a character in the book that I didn't love, the Lorax, the cute little Barbaloots, the Swammy Swamns, the Humming Fish, and the Once-ler.  I actually liked the Once-ler because he was one of the few villains that figured out he fucked up.  True, he didn't figure it out quick enough, but at least there was some character growth there.

And I really like that the Once-Ler is given a more human identity in the movie. I know that Geisel left him purposefully ambiguous, but for the various folk all over the internet who keep insisting he's supposed to be a monster- that's simply not true.  Once-Ler is his name, not his species, and this is made clear, I believe in the line where he's kicking the Lorax out.

"Trees?  Trees?  You speak for the trees?  Well, I speak for men, and humanity's needs."  The Once-ler is now, and always has been, HUMAN.  His appearance in the book is not kept ambiguous in because he's a monster, but because it's supposed to allow everyone who reads it to see themselves reflected in him.  It's a story of how human greed blinds him to the plight of the ecosystem he destroys, which was a major problem at the time, and continues to be a major problem today.  It's a social commentary, which may be why it was my favorite book.  Seuss has said that he disliked how most books on the market treated  children like idiots.  He was a firm believer that kids could understand complex ideas, just as long as they were told with vocabulary that they could understand well enough to read on their own.  There are a lot of his books that teach lessons like this (Yurtle cost himself to, remember?  The douchebag turtle?) and that's one of the reasons that he's still beloved, and still relivent today.  Yes, these things were often silly and nonsensical, but they were, by their own logic, real.

So, I loved the actors. This Lorax, DeVito, sounded a lot more like the Lorax did in my head.  Like if you didn't get the hell out of his forest, he was gonna fuck your shit right up.  Not like he was begging you, but like he was warning you.  There were a couple really good songs- How Bad Can I Be is particularly catchy- I've still got the damn thing in my head, had to add it to my youtube playlist and re-listen to it to get it out.  The 3D was pretty good, but not right-over-the-top.  All in all, a really good re-telling of the classic tale.  Stuck as close to the book as you could imagine given that it had to be stretched to movie length, and actually much closer then some other Hollywood interpretations of classic Seuss tales. I was particularly glad that they decided not to go live-action on this one.  I think that the art style was much better for Lorax then live-action would have been.  All in all, an awesome experience.  And I had high hopes, like I said, it was my favorite Seuss book.  But I think you would like it even if it weren't already a favorite.  It's just a good movie.  It's just a good story.

Heroes in a Half-Shell

So, when you were little, what was your favorite show?  Some folk liked Care Bears, some folk liked Thundercats, and some folk, like me, liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I owned a red bandanna, I painted my face green, I made shells out of cardboard, and I pretended that I knew ninjitzu by just jumping around and smashing things.  I owned every cartoon, movie, comic, poster, I bought every toy I could find.  Everyone had a favorite turtle, and as you can see by the pic I drew to the left there, mine was Raphael.

Raph was, in all honesty, the only ninja in the group.  Leo was more of a samuri then a ninja, Donnie would have been happy never going into combat, just being a tech guy, and Mikey...  look, we all know that Mike was just doing the martial arts thing to make his dad happy.  Mike has no ambition and would have sat on his ass watching TV and playing Turtles in Time all damn day.  He put in the minimal amount of effort required to keep Splinter from getting all dissapointed in him.  Raph looked out for him, or he would have been dead in half the battles he fought anyway.



Raphael reminds me of myself.  He doesn't take shit.  He strikes in the dark, swiftly and silently, like a real ninja.  He will put on a trench coat and go watch Critters, despite being a mutant turtle.  He hangs out with a Canadian badass in a hockey mask.  Raphael, without a doubt, is the best turtle.  You're welcome to your own opinion, but Raph will forever hold a special place in my heart.

So, imagine my surprise and delight when I read on NPR that a new turtle movie was coming out!!  The last movie, Turtles Forever, was fucking epic.  I kept waiting on it to suck, and it never did!  The story tied the various universes together seamlessly for fans- it was quite possibly the best crossover that I've ever seen in the history of all time.  It was amazing.  So I ask myself, where will they go from there?  There's a million comic storylines to explore.  We could see the multiverse fighting championships, which would look amazing with today's technological advancements in movie magic- we could get cyborg Donnie, or that time that Leo challenged Hiroko for leadership of the foot clan, and all the grunts backed down, because as Himato's child he totally has a right to do that.  We could revisit dimension X, an multidimensional battle in this day and age would look amazing!

Then I clicked on the article and actually read it.  I must say that...  it struck me as odd.  And I, obviously, am a fan who's ok with watching Vanilla Ice Dance his way through the ending of Turtles 2.  It takes a lot to strike me as odd.  See, the article said that in this edition, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be neither teenagers, nor mutants, nor turtles.  They would, instead, be adult aliens.  For...  some reason.  I'm not sure why.  Michael Bay is directing, which, honestly, cannot be a good sign (ask any hardcore TF fan) and has been making all the press appearances, so...  I don't know exactly how much input he has script wise, but it seems to be disproportionate.  Where are Eastman and Laird?  Does anyone have a link so that I can see what they think about this radical change?  It could greatly influence my opinion, because right now, I'm viewing this movie with a lot of skepticism.  But I don't know if it's my overreaching cynicism, or if this is as... well, off as it sounds.

I'm going to reserve judgement until we see more from this.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

So, you all remember a few days ago when I wrote complaining about how the Scary Stories series decided to change artists for their 30th anniversary edition.  Gammel's work is amazing, yet now, cannot be purchased new anywhere on-line.  I looked at every retailer I could find, and discovered that HarperCollins has discontinued the editions that feature Gammel's work.  Therefore, in protest, I'm offering all the books for download.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones

Obamapocalypse

So I've been depressed for the last little bit, but I finally found something today to make me smile.  This campaign ad is AWESOME- if you're a democrat- I mean, if you're a republican it makes you look like you don't know the difference between an election and the rapture, but if you're a democrat, it's FUCKING EPIC!!!  It's got so many of my favorite features!

Loss of jobs in the creepy little arian kid department; which, I'm only assuming is a continuation of the trend that began with Sadoku and has been steadily continuing with other minorities getting our creepy little kid jobs, such as the creepy little boy from Lost, the creepy little boy from Heroes, and the creepy little girl who turns out to actually be a killer little person who's only PRETENDING to be a creepy little girl- can't remember the name of that movie, but anyway, you get my point.  To long have those Village of the Damned or Poltreguist kids taken all of our creepy kid jobs.  That shit is set to be phased out within the next 2 years, hopefully through some kind of creepy kid Affermitive Action law or some shit.

Look, if you know me in the really real world, this is something I have genuinely bitched about for years.  As a child, I really wanted to be a creepy kid.  I enjoyed, as many kids who grow up to be alterna-teens and then "goth" adults, the macabre, from, you know, things kids consider macabre like Are You Afraid of the Dark to reading the Complete Works of Edger Allen Poe in kindergarten (true story, Accelerated Reading bullshit) but there was a problem.  No one in their right mind would fear me.  The average frightening child looked like this:

Whereas I, looked like this

In my defense, the Little Mermaid was huge at the time.

The only kids who came anything close to looking like me, was I THINK, and I'm not for sure, that the creepy twins from The Shining were brunettes, but they were ok, because they were twins.  Were they not twins, they never would have gotten that role, it would have went to a blond, and YOU KNOW IT.  So anyway, yes, we're gaining ground, if this commercial can be considered correct.

My second favorite part of the commercial is the guy. He seems to be very confused as to how gas pumps works, or, he couldn't get his hands on a gun and intends to soak himself and then light a match.  The latter would be cool to watch, because anyone who's so lazy that having to drive a little less prompts suicide doesn't really need to be here anyway- he's just dragging the gene pool down.  And if he DOES think that it's going to kill him, then he'll be in for quite a shock when all that happens is he smells horrible.  There's no way to stop the smell.  Scrub all you want, you still smell like gas.  And you'll have to burn that outfit.  Look at him!!  I love this guy!  He's right up there with the propeller guy from Titanic as one of those deaths that you'll feel horrible laughing at, but you just can't stop yourself.  This poor dumbass!

So anyway, what will the president say when he sees this video?  Probably something along what the rest of the world said.

Something like...

Gwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

I swear I feel 14

Maybe it's because I let responsibility trap me here again, but I feel like I'm going through my quarter-life crisis.  I keep realize that I'm aging, and I keep getting paradoxically more angered and more apathetic at the world around me, and the stupid shit that it encompasses.  There comes a time, I think, where the brain gives you cynicism and apathy to avoid a complete mental breakdown, and I think that more and more people are malfunctioning on that front.  I can feel the forces within me fighting for control as the jet black in my hair fades to a shining silver.  I realize that this is a fucked up place, yet I'm losing my youthful exuberance to do anything about it.  I see people with black lung taking oxygen from a tank bearing a sticker that reads coal keeps the lights on.  I see parents preaching morality as they teach their children that's it's perfectly ok to discriminate against people who like to suck cock.  I see people preach about a drug war, then step off the podium to snort their coke.  And I have seen this stupid shit for 26 fucking years.

You know, when I was 16, I kept telling myself that when I escaped, in 2 short years, I would set forth on a journey to uncover the world's secrets.  To learn WTF was going on, because it was impossible for me to understand how such hypocritical behavior was even possible.  I've always been an open app; I do what I do, and if you don't like it, then you can fuck right off.  There is nothing forcing you to be around me.  It continues to shock me the way that other people hide who they are because...  I haven't quite figured that part out yet.  I suppose that some part of it is the money.  The senators who preach anti-gay legislation and then go fuck their South American rent boys are afraid of prosecution- but can they really be so stupid that they don't realize that they created and fed the thing that they fear so?  And it's not just that, it's any vice.  Who the Fuck is everyone hiding from?  What the fuck is everyone afraid of?

Am I alone?  Am I alone in the desire that stupidity become unacceptable?  That fear become logical?  I have illogical fears- honestly, and I am not shitting you, my biggest fear is that caterpillars are going to crawl in my ears- and other orifices, but mostly my ears- to the point that I cannot cut my hair above the ears, because for some reason, that feeling of not having my ears exposed, on some primal level comforts me.  But the kicker here is- I KNOW THAT THAT IS RETARDED.  I don't go around trying to convince other people to wear headphones to avoid parasites- and I don't even know of a single breed of caterpillar that even does that (if you do, please don't tell me, because I prefer to think that this fear is completely unfounded).  I also fear that butterflies and moths will lay their eggs in an orifice, and then the caterpillars will be in there- just eating away at my insides with their voracious appetite...  And it's not a small fear, either, it's like...  I can't look at pictures of them on-line or in print.  I don't even like caterpies from Pokemon, because that green, segmented kind is the absolute worse for me.  And fun fact- they make dildos shaped that that.  That right there is nightmare fuel.  Do you remember that scene, I can't remember which movie it was in, where Fred Kreuger turns into the caterpillar from Wonderland and goes down that guy's throat.  That made me physically sick.  And I'm never affected by movies- EVER.  If you come near me with a caterpillar, I will fucking shoot you- I'm not shitting you, I will cut a bitch.  Ask my cousin Wayne whom I bit the shit out of because he brought one of those things near me.  His ass never did it again.

Kinda lost my train of thought on the whole bug thing there...  Oh yeah, people are fucking proud of their stupidity, proud of their ignorance, and that is unacceptable.  Don't be afraid that people will judge you for your vices- let them.  Fuck them.  Who the fuck are they?  People deserve an honest look at others.  And if you look at me, you get honesty.  I'm not perfect, but if I don't know anything about something, I don't open my fucking mouth.  I don't really hate anything, and I don't really dislike anything without a good, logical reason.  And if I'm presented new evidence, I incorporate it into my existing schemas, changing them if necessary.  I don't hang on to outdated bullshit and call it fact.  I have what is known to my generation, as an exceptionally low bullshit threshold.  I cannot put up with a vast amount of bullshit.  Dealing with to much bullshit, most of which is voluntary stupidity, puts me into a psychotic rage coma, wherein my brain stops trying to put up with it, and, if bombarded, will shut down completely.

That was far more acceptable as a teenager.  But the fact is, I set out into the world, and I found that most towns, do not have the vast amount of bullshit, that my hometown does.  This place is full of underemployed, under-educated, ignorant people, who have no intellectual curiosity or desire to better themselves.  There are no charity events, there is no ASPCA for me to sponsor animals through, there is no green movement- you have to drive for 2 hours to get to the nearest grocery co-op, there is no public transportation- the pollution index is the highest of any town in the state of Ky; the drug abuse is rampant- leading not only Kentucky, but the entire US in prescription drug abuse (look it up if you want to find out where I am).  So here I sit, surrounded by these people who neither want nor deserve help, eating factory-farmed crap and hating myself for it- forgetting what real food tastes like, forgetting what real conversations are.  Therefore, the mini-comas I spoke of, that happened regularly throughout my high school career, have returned.

The doctors warn that with each "episode" I actually lose synaptic connections, and that if they continue, I could lose brain function.  They've given me three different medications to help slow the deterioration, yet all four consultants say the same thing.

"Get out" says the MD.
"Get out" says the psychiatrist.
"Get out" says the neurologist.
"Get out" says the gynecologist.

I consulted a gynecologist because I felt that the problem may have been hormonal in nature, as intense moods often are.  I have endometreosis, so this was not an unreasonable assumption.  But the simple fact of the matter is, it's called "Situational Depression"- and people with such low bullshit meters cannot survive and function in this type of environment.  As soon as I get out of the enviroment, I will no longer have these episodes, I will no longer risk losing brain function, I will return to my pre-depression, normally functioning self.  I'm beginning to think that my therapist is right.  I really can't just sit around and wait on my grandfather to die.  I love him, and I know that Black Lung is a terrible, debilitating disease (he can't even weed his garden) but if I die, or become a vegetable, it will put such a strain on his heart that it would probably be worse then if I left.  I just don't know what to do.

I feel 10 years younger then I am.  I feel trapped, and betrayed.  And I'm so very, very lonely.  I was pursing a graduate degree- and I moved from discussing psychopharmocology, with a special interest in developmental effects of teterogens, to...  people who say that I use words to be "impressive" when I just speak plainly.  People who, honestly, don't follow me, or anything else, and are only impressed by my hot ass, which, honestly, is nothing to be impressed about.  There are millions of chicks with hot asses, and a few more months of eating factory farmed food and drinking water coated in a thick layer of coal slurry, and my beauty will pass.  The contaminates will break out my skin and discolor my hair (the water is so bad your skin and hair literally turn orange).  The mini-comas will cripple my brain.  And I will become the crippled shell I was as a teenager, full of hatred and angst; but it doesn't look nearly as good on someone pushing 30 as it did on someone pushing 20.  My friends sympathize, but what can they do?  They live in cities, far away from the bustle, and the economy has everyone stretched so tight that is difficult for them to come to me, and impossible for me to visit them.  The one time they tried to visit they were repeatedly shot at and had their property defaced.  But one thing is for sure, something must change.  I may still listen to Manson, but I am not longer the disposable teen I once was.  I no longer look to the future with a sort of wonder-filled gaze thinking that I will understand the world by magic.  I've realized that in this world, you either make your own way, or you stagnate.

I'm an artist.  I'm almost a scientist (2 classes short).  This intellectual wasteland is killing me.  The folk here make no attempt to make up for their ignorance, as I said before, they seem to take pride in it.  They display confederate flags, not in a political statement for State's Rights and a dissaproval of strong federal government, but in the racist way most northerners think of the confederacy.  It is not 1962- It's 2012.  This is ridiculous.  They do not make up for their lack of intellect in kindness, as I said, it's so easy to get shot at.  The people with substance abuse problems seek no aid, unless you count helping themselves to the medicine cabinets of the elderly (such as my late great-grandmother).  I'm drowning here, and I would love for someone to reach out to me.